


It'll hurt him

by iwaizumemes (skytramp)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-13
Updated: 2015-06-13
Packaged: 2018-04-04 04:13:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4125153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skytramp/pseuds/iwaizumemes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"There were things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them, and let them hurt me.” - <i>Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	It'll hurt him

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fill from the SASO bonus round 1 for a prompt by Xy, you're welcome for the pain.

_It'll hurt him, it'll hurt him._  The words were more than a mantra now, a doctrine, those three words had been on repeat in Nishinoya's brain for the last three days but nothing he did made it go away. He felt the guilt in his gut, it wasn't like an animal, but like an  _absence_ , a hungry void just south of his sternum that threatened to swallow him whole, if it didn't drive him mad first.   
  
The smaller words, the quieter ones that he told himself, things like  _"It wasn't my fault."_  or  _"I didn't want him to do that"_  sounded nothing but hollow, like a single coin dropped in an empty tip jar. Part of him thought Asahi might just accept those excuses, that he could tell him and everything would be fine, but that part of him had been crushed, mangled and tortured beyond recognition by the three words:  _it'll hurt him_.  
  
It took two more days before Asahi said anything.   
  
"Noya, um, is something wrong?" He didn't sound accusing,  _but he should, he really should._  
  
"Nope!" He answered too quickly.   
  
"Are you sure?" That was it, then. He had to tell him or leave him or  _something_  because Asahi only asked twice if he knew you were lying. He knows. He must.   
  
"No, everything's fine! What's for lunch?" He hoped the way his fists clenched in the sweatshirt pocket wasn't too noticeable, he felt blood in his palms.   
  
It was later, in bed, where he laid curled into Asahi's side and his head rested on his chest that he finally said the words.   
  
"I kissed someone." He breathed, and he knew Asahi was asleep. "I'm sorry."  
  
He woke with the dread in his chest and he couldn't move.   
  
"Noya, you're going to be late." The wheedling tone, the sweetness, nothing Noya deserved.   
  
"I'm sorry." The last words before he slept, the first when he woke, if he really meant them he'd be honest. "I'm sorry. I'm sick. Go ahead without me."  
  
He spent two days in bed, and on the second day Asahi came home early, with soup and medicine and Noya's favorite movie and the tears were running down his cheeks before he noticed them leave his eyes.   
  
"What's wrong?" The concern, the damn concern in his voice.   
  
"Nothing," Noya sniffled. And tried again to be convincing. "Nothing, I'm fine. Thank you. I'm sorry."  _You deserve better._  
  
"What are you sorry for?"  
  
_Everything. I love you. I kissed him, no, he kissed me, I didn't tell you, I can't hurt you, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry._  
  
"For being a burden, you don't have to take care of me, you know."   
  
"I know, but I want to."  
  
_It'll hurt me,_  he thought now, and the tears flowed faster.  _It'll hurt me, too, and somehow that's worse._


End file.
